What's Up!

Wow...I cannot remember the last time that I have spent so much time at home relaxing and I am actually loving it! The kids are back in school, registered for dance and ready to start a hectic set of months to come. This year, we are not doing any Saturdays because I need a break! Also, since I am in school, I need to focus on my school work since I do not know what all that means! This week was my first full week of classes and I feeling just as overwhelmed as I was a few weeks ago. I have not done this in 14 years and am wondering how I am going to juggle all that I have to do. Am I going to make it this semester? I really hope so because this means so much to me! In one of my classes, I have to create a journal and I think I am going to use my blog for the journal...seems like a good place to start. Well let me get to studying!!!

Busy Week

This weeks seems to be moving pretty fast and I am like "great"! I have been working so hard this week and don't know how and why I am so motivated this week. In any case, I have taken care of all my major projects at work and now handling all the major projects at home. The house is an ongoing project but my bigger focus is on Kianna's high school search. I think I anm going to be a little bit more stressed this month!

Wow...I have totally lost all my consistency in updating my blog on a regular basis. However, it has been a rough month with both work and the girls' dad! After a two year separation and in the process of waiting for the papers to be signed by the judge, there is such a high level of bitterness that can be so incomprehensible at times. Is it me that just does not understand? But I think I do, to believe in something that you want so dearly to work and for it to crumble at your feet must be painful. I tried my best to make it work but there are so many issues that are presented before us that it is better we are apart. I am so jaded not that I do not know if I am capable of having a meaningful relationship. I feel that I want more and struggling is not an option for me as well. I do not want to feel as if I am the one taking care of someone. Is that selfish? I have been the caretaker and main breadwinner of my relationships for so long and I want to be able to move from that path. I would like to be taken care and for someone else to make the decisions versus me all the times. Of course, if my former spouse read this, he would have a few choice words for me but this is how I feel. Also, lately I have been feeling like such a failure...why I am not sure but I do! Yes, I have a good job resulting from a great education. Yes, I have three beautiful girls, a house, a SUV, two dogs and all the other trimmings. Yet I feel like I am missing something and that I need more. I could possibly be greedy but is that a crime to be happy? I do not think so and I want to be happy. I need to find some happiness but I think I am searching in the wrong places. I guess I am gonna have to start making changes so that can happen. Alot of soul searching is about to begin...stay tuned for the updates!

I Miss This So Much!!!

Oh my..I feel like it has been forever since my last post! It has been forever and I feel horrible. I started something and I feel like I have not been committed to what I have started. How do everyone juggle everything that they have to do and maintain their sanity! The kids and their summer activities, the issues with the house and the ex plus now I have to deal with going back to school in September is becoming overwhelming for me just thinking about it. Is there an end? I feel that I have been able to cope so far but the one thing that can drive me over the edge may just be my ex-husband! Can you imagine two people caring and loving each other but not being able to not argue or seriously disagree with each other in a matter of minutes? Better yet...your ex not being able to comprehend that being friends can just mean being friends? Well, I know very well that these things happen and that they truly exist and I would like them to go away as fast as they came! The best form of peace for me is being able to get along but how sad is it learning that this may not happen! Ok, I am getting cross-eyed trying to stay up because I was determined to finish this today! Part II of the saga continues!

No Pain No Game!

So my mommy day started of dropping the kids to the train station so they can start their day of summer school and work. Now I am at physical therapy getting treatment on my shoulder. I am still feeling numbness on the right side and pain across the chest which I have to remember to tell the doctor. I feel like by the time I turn 50 my body is going to completely fall apart! Ok let me go focus on my exercises now!

OMG..Can I Do This?

So for those who do not know I was accepted into a scholarship program with Hunter College for a second Master's in Social Work. Sounds exciting but at the same time overwhelming...how am I going to do this with all the other things that I have to do with the kids? What and who am i going to use as my supports? I had orientation yesterday and swore I was having an anxiety attack as I sat there thinking about all this stuff. Anyway, I am going to take this one day at a time so as to see if I am able to work it out! The kids are doing good but will have to be updated about the events to come and the impact to them as well. Is there any suggestions out there for me?

Never Can Do Right!

So I have been trying to be in good accords with the ex and it seems like he will not allow us to go in that direction. Every time we start doing good, he finds something to make an issue about. Since the separation, I have stayed low key but it seems like I am the one causing him great grief in whatever I do. This week he was fine and then once he found out that I was having a BBQ with friends at the house, it became an instant issue. He can continue with his life with no problem but I must stop everything and be a homebody. Throughout our marriage, he never liked my friends and was always so nasty to them. Of course, it was all in my imagination and it was ALL my friends causing him harm. I remember no matter whoever of his friends that would come by, whether I cared for them or not, I was always cordial. I rarely invited friends to the house for this simple reason so I am enjoying being able to have functions where my friends are here with me. The 21st 21st will make two years since the separation and they say its gets better....I am still waiting!

Been So Long!

Wow...it has been a long time since I have entered anything on this blog. However, I am back to work and the craziness has begun. This was the main reason that I created this blog to not only capture the moments with my kids but to document the madness that i work to see how I maintain a balance within both. My administrative responsibilities have increased in regard to the day to day oversight of my program so this week was full of report submission and monitoring of program deliverables. I do not even see how the balance is made. I am still fighting with my bank for a loan modification which is beginning to become a nightmare. The kids had a great week...Kianna started her summer school program which she appears to not be thrilled about the work but more so being able to see her friends. Can someone please explain to me why you have to pay $200 for a mandatory summer session??? Anyway, Camryn seems to be enjoying camp and seeing her friends again. Kianna is also doing a summer intensive with dance school which appears to be true to its title! I hope she can endure. Right now, I am in bed and not wanting to get up at all to start the day. So sleepy but cannot go back to sleep...well let me try again! To be continued...

And Its All About Me!

This weekend was such a me moment and I loved it! Should I feel guilty that I spent an entire weekend doing the things that I wanted to do and did not involve the children??? Well, I did feel a little guilty but still carried forth and enjoyed the time. The kids spent the weekend with their dad and did not come back until today. In that time, I was able to relax on Friday evening, enjoy a wonderful BBQ at my job on Saturday while being able to visit other BBQs and finishing off Sunday with some much needed cleaning. I was really able to focus on me and do things that I have not been able to do in close to a year. Wow...did I just say a year? With all the running around with the kids and their activities combined with all the late nights at work and doing all my professional grown-up stuff, it has been a year since I really cleaned and focused on the house. Now don't get me wrong, my house was not dirty but getting to the point with clutter that I was ready to be one of those individuals that you see on 'Clean House"! I was able to tackle Camryn and Kianna's room before working my way down to the dining room where the clutter was literally living and multiplying. I am about 85% done and managed to throw away 5 bags of garbage which includes recyclables as well as putting together a trunk full of items that are being donated on Tuesday! Of course, the kids are home now but they are all in their respective rooms with the exception of Camryn that feels the need to watch Noggin in my room. In any case, I am making myself a plate of pasta and making sure that I am in my bed ready to watch an episode of "Army Wives" by 10pm. Did I mention I even have my work clothes ready for tomorrow...yep I sure was on a roll today. Hopefully, it can last the week and I will remain motivated to finish what I started! Good night and until later!

Personal Assistant Needed!!!

We are back from vacation and I am already overwhelmed. The house is a mess and I wish I couldhave some help getting it together. I have found that since the divorce I cannot get it together with keeping the house orderly. My level of OCD used to transcend throughout the house but now it is the complete opposite. I vowed to myself that tomorrow night I would restore complete order to at least the basement and 1st floor level. Please say a prayer for me!!!!

Wonder What's Up with the Ex???

Imagine that...I have been away with the kids since Saturday and they have diligently called their dad everyday but he has not bothered me with any nonsense. Usually, there is some little silly question or dilemna that needs my most immediate attention that only I can address, however, NOTHING! Trust me, I am not looking for him to call but it has been an up and down battle with him just to be friends. Usually, when he does not speak to me for a period of time, the ball drops and KABOOM the explosion begins. It has been such a peaceful week besides dealing with Michael dying (Yes, I am an avid fan!) to have to come back to any unnecessary drama. Hopefully, I will be proven wrong and he will be as nice as pudding which he is possible of doing from time to time.

Tranquility & Peace 4 an Hour!

Wow...I have to plan out this day well because its our last full day before leaving tomorrow. Right now, I am enjoying the peace and tranquility of the kids still sleeping. This should only last for an hour before they get up and get moving. I have not looked outside but maybe I will take them to play mini-golf. Ssshh...gotta go...I have a sighting of a 6 year old lurking outside my door!

Mom...Can I Set The Table?

Since the vacation started, we have been eating dinner at the table and the kids loved it! With my work schedule and their schedule, we have not had the opportunity to eat together as a family. I feel so guilty as I should have really incorporated at least doing it once a week since the separation. I wish I could do so much more for them but i kow they already get a lot but I think they need more time with me. Despite my relatively good income, it means nothing when it is only that income that pays for everything. So I guess the hard work does not stop for me, however, I wish my work schedule could be a little more family-friendly to allow more time to spend with them. My 12 year old daughter is so spoiled and I feel that the time away does not allow me the time to be with her more. My 6 year old daughter is sweet and I hope it lasts forever but I know she misses me when we are not around. My 23 year old daughter is back from college and I think that we are trying to figure out how to live together again. I know I am a good mom but can always be a better one!

Why Did I Need This Blog???

Right now, I am vacationing with my two youngest in the Poconos and am thinking "Thank God I decided to take a week off!" Even though I have taken time away from the hectic demands of the office...I was still checking my Blackberry and work email. ENOUGH!!! This is how the birth of my blog began and I probably needed to do this a log time ago. A single mother of three children, ranging between the ages of 7 to 23, with a full-time hectic job running around to meet the demands and needs of the kids as well as trying to ensure that I keep my job in these hectic times! How does everybody else cope? Why am I feeling off balance? Right now, I am enjoying this fantasy of being able to relax as I know it all changes when I return back to Brooklyn and get kids ready for camp, summer school, dance programs, etc.! Why about my life, I just got accepted into this scholarship program for the Fall and I am praying I survive it all.